Happy New Year darlings!
Imagine me waving a martini glass around while I say this. Above was the NYE lewk.
Although after all my holiday-ing I am totally contemplating a DRY January which I NEVER do. NEVER. Because I am not one for self-flagellation. I had a good time, I was responsible, and I don’t feel bad about it. So far, it has been DRY but we are only on DAY TWO.
Anyway, I remember I started this Substack thinking I would do some more off-the-cuff writing and I never did. And I forgot I set up my Stripe account so people can pay me and then every time I would see a Stripe payment on my bank account I would think WHY IS STRIPE PAYING ME WHAT IS THAT???!!! I AM HACKED!!! Then I realized… OMG it’s my PAYING subscribers. Thank you for paying!
I plan to write more regularly to make it worth it.
This holiday season I was escaping being sad. My mom is not in good shape, she’s been in dialysis for a while, and now has cancer. And it’s been hard to see someone you love so much suffer so much. My answer to this terrible sad ache was to say YES to every party invite, to see as many of my friends as possible and have as much fun as I could. I did. It was fun. My friends are great. But now the confetti and glitter-time filled season is over and I am just left with this yawning terrible sadness.
My dad died 15 years ago and what I remember from that time is that whenever it’s “the end” there is a feeling that you are just waiting for the worst to happen thinking it will be a relief, because it has been so terrible. But my dear friend Kate told me 15 years ago, no, it is an illusion because when they are gone it is SO MUCH WORSE. And she was so right. When my dad died I thought there was no way I would never be happy again. It was like a light had gone out in my life. I was able to work, and I think I was there for my family, but I was so sad. This went on for months and I realized I was no longer sad I was depressed. I am grateful for the power of anti-depressants. They balanced my chemicals and made me remember how I felt before, and then I was still sad but no longer depressed.
And so I keep remembering that it is much much worse when it’s over and soldiering on with the pre-grief and seeing my mom as much as I can because she’s still here after all. Still bossing us around and cooking Filipino food, even though she’s weaker and more fragile than before.
That’s what I have today. No more holiday-ing. Just pre-grieving and keeping things DRY.
XOXO
Mel